When Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Talk

When my son was in ninth and tenth grade, I often drove him to school in the mornings. During those 15-minute rides before the 8:30am school bell, we were alone and he couldn’t get away. He would slump into the passenger seat while I, naturally, asked him about school.

My questions rarely received complete answers, just grunts or one-word responses. “Can you please talk with me?” I remember feeling the frustration rise in me, a mixture of unease about his studies and disappointment in his attitude. Sometimes that frustration spilled over into harsh words, ending with a slammed car door when we finally arrived.

Getting your teen to talk with you can be surprisingly tough. I hear that from most parents I’ve worked with. But I’ve gained some perspectives from coaching and counseling teens over the years, so allow me to use the voice of a teenager and share a few common complaints:

-       I was sleepy, you know. Getting up is difficult for me. I don’t know how you could get up so early, but the fact you could be fully awake at 7am doesn’t mean I had to be responsive at 8:30am. My brain was hardly operating yet.

-       I hate that you force me to answer questions during car rides, where I’m totally trapped and have no way to leave. You always do that, controlling what I do. Stop controlling me.

-       You always say the same things, lecturing me again and again. I’ve already heard you. Why do you think repeating would make a difference?

-       You know nothing about my life, or about my school. Speaking with you is a total waste of time.

-       I’m different from you. You can spend hours and hours working, but I NEED to hang out with my friends. Your advice doesn’t work for me.

-       Could you do what you tell me to do? How good are you at time management?

-       I don’t agree with what you have to say. But if I object, you will just yell at me or tell me that you know much more than I do because you’ve had so much more experience. Just because you are my parents doesn’t mean you are always right. In fact, you’re often wrong but you get upset when I tell you so.

-       I don’t know why you get so upset with me. You’re so emotional: one minute you asked about my grade and the next minute you were scaring me that I wouldn’t get into good colleges and that I wouldn’t do well in life. I’m already stressed. Why are you adding more stress?

The list can go much longer, and any one of these complaints may be enough for a teenager to opt for silence. No wonder we often feel as though we've "lost" our child during their high school years.

Looking at the list closely, we may find that some complaints are quite reasonable and understandable. So, maybe we parents should adjust.

We can watch our timing and choose not to turn every morning car ride into a discussion about studies. We can listen more, learn more, and let go of the assumption that we know more just because of our age. We can avoid repeating the same messages and vary our approaches. We can manage our own emotions and adjust our expectations. And we can model behavior that we hope to see in our children.

All these do help, meaningfully.

However, I’m also struck by the absence of one voice that I grew up with, a teaching so ingrained that it felt like the air I breathed: that my parents deserved respect because of the sacrifices they had made in raising me, and that I need to demonstrate that respect in my words, my attitude, and my behavior.

I grew up in a different country, a different culture. It’s far from perfect, but its emphasis on respecting parents and treating them with care makes great sense, in my mind.

I once mentioned to a friend that most of my friends had never experienced the intense rebelliousness against our parents that is common to most teenagers in the U.S. He laughed and said, "You must have been so oppressed."

Perhaps. Or perhaps there are multiple healthy ways for families to relate to one another.

The reality is that we can’t leave this lesson to social media, or video games, or even schools. If we want our teens to value their relationship with us, we have to teach that value ourselves, intentionally.