Before You Tell Your Teen What to Fix

I had been exchanging messages with two concerned parents, and the list of issues they saw in their daughter grew quickly. 

"She procrastinates." "She can be more motivated." “Her grades are not strong enough.” 

Then I asked, "What are your daughter's strengths? Can you list a couple?"

Silence.

A few minutes later came a reply. "She's very kind. Other parents often tell us she has a really good heart."

The answer clearly came with much less energy as their concerns. I waited for more, but silence returned. 

Even though we love our children deeply, some of us are consumed by their shortcomings. We put so much attention and energy into correcting their issues, only to get resistance and annoyance in return.

Here is one tip from my years of coaching: with high-schoolers, we have to see their strengths first and validate their potential.  I’ve learnt that, if I want to engage and win trust from new students, the best way is to point out their strengths, especially those that they haven’t seen themselves.

“You’re really comfortable speaking with people, regardless of their age or background. That’s very valuable when you work with clients in the future.”

“You have a really generous heart. You don’t hold grudges, even with people who have done you wrong. No wonder you have many friends, and you would be great at building communities.”

“You are very good at reflecting on your own experiences and behaviors and research on your own to gain a better understanding. I’m very impressed by your self-awareness.”

Academic strengths are important, but as we all know from our work experiences, many traits not necessarily reflected in grades, including soft skills, qualities, and even personalities, hold tremendous value in the workplace and beyond. So, if we take a longer-term view, if we look at our teens as whole persons, and if we stop comparing them against ourselves or other teens, we see real strengths emerge.  

The validation yields two benefits. 

• Students can sense that I’m on their side and that I’m not judging them. Instead, I’m trying to understand them and help them, so they open up.  Even when we work on their issues, we can do it with a laugh rather than confrontation. 

• As importantly, I become more encouraging and patient with them, because it’s delightful to see their potential and because I believe their strengths will come through. They’ll excel if they learn the tools of self-leadership. 

I’ve tried this approach with my own children. It is admittedly a bit harder, but it has indeed helped our communication and relationships. Instead of appearing to talk down to them, they know I’m talking with them to figure out a solution together.

Of course, changing habits or advancing skills requires conscious and constant effort, which can’t be replaced by external validation alone. However, knowing their strengths does help build a positive foundation for growth.

I can’t help but point out one common mistake we parents make when praising our teens. Right after we say, “You are really good at …,” we follow up with, “…but you really need to improve…” The quick turn makes our praise sound performative. The second a teenager hears “but,” their brain completely discards the affirmation and registers the statement as a lecture.

When you truly understand your teen, you will naturally pause, and you will sound different.  Believe it or not, true understanding is a rare gift. 

As I think back to my exchange with the two concerned parents, I would like to counsel them: before you tell your teen what to fix, try asking yourself, “What is something genuinely valuable about this child that I might be overlooking?” We may find that this is a much more powerful place to begin.