Embracing Uncertainty
Sophia P.
A piano key was pressed, starting the song, my stomach dropping with the key. I felt every inch of my body, my mind filling up with fear, “Why am I doing this, auditioning for something that I most likely won’t get into?” pestering in my head. “But does it hurt to try?” a small voice in my head replied.
Before the spring of my freshmen year I would have answered yes: yes it hurts to audition for your school’s musical, because if you don’t get in, you’re a failure who put yourself into a situation to be judged for nothing. But the version of me in the audition room knew: “The chance of getting in is worth the risk.” So, I took a steadying breath and sang. Having sought to control what would happen all my life, I decided to finally brave potential rejection because I had nothing to lose.
Theater was not in my high school plan. I had always loved the stage and my theater summer camps, in which a spot was guaranteed. However, I had planned to join my dance studio’s senior company and spend the next four years dancing almost every day, with the same people and teachers. No auditions, no upsets. Yet two days before my freshman year I broke my ankle, and it felt like my life shattered with it.
I spent the next few months sitting in on my dance classes, trying to force myself to keep up and follow my original plan. But healing was slow. My fellow dancers were growing as dancers and people, and I wasn’t. I was miserable. As winter rolled around, there was no way I could deny that by clinging to dance, I was hurting myself. I decided that it was time to try something else, even if it meant braving the uncharted waters of school theater. So I auditioned for Matilda.
I got in! I got in and I got the role of Bruce Boggtrotter! As a freshman! When I broke my ankle it felt as if I had lost a part of myself, but that led me to Matilda, where I was able to find myself in the magical world of theater. So, I put myself out there more and gradually my mindset about auditions changed from negative to positive. Not knowing what to expect is horrifying. It makes you overthink every step you make, but when something good comes out of it, the sense of achievement is like no other. Over time I stopped feeling like rejection was personal, and started thinking of it as something that you can learn from.
Going into junior year, I was prepared to embrace uncertainty, to take the good with the bad, when another test of perseverance came my way: my dad getting diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer. The doctors haven't been able to tell us much regarding how long he has left, except that it won’t be more than two more years. Whenever I think of the inevitable and what awaits afterwards, I feel guilty because he’s still alive, so, “Why can’t I just be grateful for having him now?” Unfortunately, all the uncertainties have left me defenseless.
Living with my dad, as I watch him get sicker and sicker, is like a constant audition: “Will I get in? Will I not?” “Will he wake up? Will he not?” And on the day that he doesn’t it will be the biggest rejection of all. I have decided that since I can not avoid that rejection, I will not avoid others. I continue putting myself out there, with plays, musicals, improv, and assistant directing my school’s production of Les Miserables. My dad has always been my biggest supporter, and he is more proud of me now than ever, knowing that I won’t let fear of uncertainties stop me and that I’m ready to take on whatever life brings.
